LifeBridge Center for Joyful Living

As I discussed in Part 1 of Relationships, a basic premise, a fundamental understanding, of life is that we are in relationship with everything, with every one, with every situation and with every circumstance of our lives.  The very purpose for all relationship is for us to decide, declare and live whatever we choose in relation to any, and all, of those things.  Indeed, this is how we determine Who We Are, and Who We Choose To Be, here in physical.

Another basic premise is that we are energy beings, Spiritual Beings, having a physical experience here in this space/time environment that we call Planet Earth.  With this knowing we also, then, have the opportunity to see that everything in our lives is a reflection of our energy, a “mirror” of our energy being reflected back to us in order that we can see how we are flowing our energy, and what (if anything) we prefer to change.

With these two basic premises we can know that this is what all relationships are actually for; to reflect back our own energy to us so that we can then decide if it is something we prefer or not.  If so, then we can simply continue being whatever we are being; however, if what we are seeing is a reflection of something we do not prefer, then we have the opportunity to shift our energy and, thereby, see a different reflection. 

In this Article I will share some of the easy and fun processes and exercises I use and teach to begin using our relationships as the mirrors they are – and to shift our energy so that we are then attracting reflections of whatever we prefer in our lives.  Before I share those; however, I want to clarify a couple of points.

The first is that we must take full responsibility for the reflections that we see in our lives, but not by way of feeling any “blame” or “guilt”, either directed at the other person, or towards ourselves for having attracted that.  No matter what we are seeing reflected back to us, it is neither “right” nor “wrong” it is 100% neutral; and that is true for us as well as the other person we are in relationship with – our “mirror.”  Any time we feel the desire to “blame” them or attempt to get them to change something they are doing in order to please us, we are, at that moment, attempting to change a reflection.  And as I said in Part 1, that is as futile as it would be if we were to do that with an actual, physical mirror, such as the one in our bathroom.  The only way for the reflection to change is for us to change ourselves, and then the reflection will automatically change of it’s own accord.

The second is to understand that all emotions are feedback from our Inner Being about how aligned we are with how our Inner Being is seeing that particular situation.  If we are feeling something “negative” it is NOT telling us that there is something “wrong” with the person or situation, or that there is something “wrong” with us.  It is telling us that how we are seeing the person or situation is differing from what our Inner Being knows to be true about that person or situation. 

This is a rather subtle, but powerful distinction.  One perspective says that there actually IS “something wrong”, which is never accurate since all situations are neutral, and also leaves us in a state of powerlessness because if there is something “out there” that is “wrong” then we are powerless to change it, because the only thing we actually HAVE the power to change is ourselves. 

The other perspective shows us that it is our viewpoint that is out of alignment, therefore, since we have total ability and power to change our viewpoint, we also have total ability and power to change the reflection.  With this perspective we can feel and know 100% of our intrinsic power, which is fully aligned with what our Inner Being knows is true of us.  We are creators, we are here for the purpose of creating, and this is HOW we create – with our energy.  Our Inner Being’s function of giving us feedback in the form of our emotions is our “guidance” as to when, in what direction and how to shift our energy.

If, however, we begin to think that something “out there” actually IS “wrong” then we are essentially denying, ignoring and/or refusing to use our power.  At that moment we delude ourselves into thinking that we are REACTORS to life’s circumstances and events rather than the CREATORS of those circumstances and events.

As I said, it is a subtle “seeming” difference in perspective, but the ramifications of it are staggering.  One allows us to create and be Who We Really Are; while the other merely allows us to react and deny the truth of who we are.  I am particularly fond of the “reminder” of this truth that was shared in one of Neale Donald Walsch’s books in the Conversations With God series.  It states that the only difference between REACTING and CREATING is where you put the “C” – so if we “C” correctly, we are then Creating the lives and relationships we prefer.

In Part 1 I asked the questions:  “How do we actually navigate the day-to-day circumstances and events?  What do we do when our feelings are hurt, or we get angry, or in some other way feel less-than-positive?  Even if we know and accept that all of our emotions are “feedback” from our Inner Being, what do we do with them when they occur?”

I gave the beginnings of the answer to that when I said that the first and most important thing to “do” in this situation is to be fully honest – first with yourself.  If you are feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, sad, or any other emotion because of something that has happened within the relationship it is too late to pretend it didn’t happen or that you aren’t feeling those things.  It is possible to “stuff that emotion” (also known as putting a “Happy Face Sticker on an empty gas gauge”) and to pretend it isn’t there; but emotions are energy, and since energy can neither be created nor destroyed, the only thing we can do is change its form.  If we do not do the “work” to shift that energy – to “change its form” – then it will remain exactly what it was.  We can “pretend” it isn’t there, but we do so at the expense of our happiness and often our health and our relationships. 

In fact, it is not just that ONE relationship that will be affected, because as we “stuff” our “negative” feelings it will also create a “damper” on all of our “positive” feelings.  Just like with a “damper” in a fireplace, once the “damper” is closed off (partially or fully) the energy that is being closed off has to go somewhere, and it normally will then permeate the immediate environment.  If we do this with our emotions, that energy has no place to go but INSIDE of us, and that can lead to a host of problems with our health, our happiness and all of our relationships.  As we feel the pressure of all of that, we often become less trusting and/or are not willing to be open and vulnerable in our relationships.  We feel that we are already carrying “X” amount of emotional pain and we often then become increasingly afraid of “adding any more to it”, so we begin to close ourselves off from the very ones we love.  This frequently begins a downward spiral that leads to the ending of that relationship and then “finding” a “new relationship”.  We certainly can do that (and most of us have, at least once if not numerous times) but if we have not shifted the energy of those emotional “painful” spots inside of us, it won’t be long before the new relationship is suffering as well.

Most of us are carrying some (or a lot of) “emotional baggage” in the form of unresolved (un-shifted) pain, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and other forms of “negative” emotions from prior relationships, and/or from the relationship we are currently in.  So the first thing to do is to be truly honest with yourself about what you are feeling, and allow yourself to feel it  -- while realizing that FEELING, say, Angry is not the same thing as ACTING Angry.

The next thing to do is to be as honest as you can with your partner in the relationship.  It is crucial in this step to not move into blame or finger pointing, and to not use the sharing portion as an attempt to change THEM or THEIR behavior.  It is merely a statement of how YOU feel, while taking full responsibility for those feelings and acknowledging that you are aware that the “originating point” for those feelings is inside of YOU, not them; and still being aware that it is not about self-blame either.

One of the most powerful, and yet simplest, things to do when we are feeling in any way “negative”, is to ask ourselves:  “What must I be believing in order to have attracted this situation?”  Often, just that simple question will reveal something that we recognize as a belief that does not serve our highest intentions, and yet we had not been aware that the belief was present.  So this situation is a “gift” we have attracted to ourselves in order to become more self-aware and more deliberate in our creating.  In asking, and answering, this question, we then will know at least a portion of what to shift in order to change the “reflections” that we are currently attracting.

A quick example of this might be that we have attracted a situation wherein we feel criticized by something someone has said or done.  So in asking this question of ourselves “What must I be believing in order to have attracted this situation?” we have the opportunity to see that maybe we are feeling “less than” or “not worthy” in that situation, or that we are being critical of ourselves about whatever that topic was, or another belief that is out of alignment with what our Inner Being knows to be true.  Once we can see it, we then have the opportunity to shift that belief into something that serves our highest intentions in a more beneficial way.

It is always true that whatever another says has more to do with THEM than it does to do with YOU; in that they have uttered something from THEIR perspective, THEIR attitudes and THEIR beliefs.  It is still true; however, that if they have said something like that to YOU, then there is something you YOUR energy/vibration (beliefs, attitudes or perspectives) that has attracted it.  It is always a “two-way opportunity” in that each party has brought to themselves the “gift” of that situation in order to release some resistance they hold, but it is only possible for each to do that for themselves.  You have no ability to “change” another, just as they have no ability to “change” you – but each party has 100% ability and power to shift whatever is inside of themselves, and then to no longer attract that situation.

Another very simple thing to do is to spend what I call “Mirror Time” with my own physical mirror.  It is an easy exercise, but in order to be effective it will take a few minutes, a couple of times per day.  Most people opt to do this once in the morning and again in the evening, but that is a personal preference – I recommend doing it however is the easiest and flows the best for you.  

Just spend some “Mirror Time” looking into your own eyes as if you were looking into the eyes of your lover.  Hold the gaze as long as you can while thinking loving thoughts about yourself as continuously as possible – exactly as you would if you were in an intimate moment with your most beloved other.

If you can hold the gaze for one full minute in the beginning that is great, and even 5-10 seconds is enough to begin.  Then, over a period of days or weeks, expand the length of time, a little at each sitting, until you can easily gaze into your own eyes with gentle loving thoughts of yourself for 5 minutes.  It is important to note that it does not matter if the thoughts you are thinking are all different ones, or if you are repeating things you had thought earlier in the sitting.  What is most advantageous is to think thoughts that bring you feelings – FEELINGS – of Self- Love, Self- Appreciation, or as a minimum, a fondness and liking of whatever you are thinking about yourself.

It may take some practice to achieve the full 5 minutes, or not, depending on the energy you are feeling as you begin with each sitting.  It is also important to note that your “results” can vary from one sitting to the next, even within the same day.  You might find that it becomes quite easy to sit for 4 or 5 minutes one morning while you were already feeling much positive energy towards yourself, and then that same evening, after a full day of “events” and “situations” that have happened during your day you could find that 1-minute is the most you can accomplish.  That is completely natural; we all have those energy fluctuations.  The goal with this exercise is not necessarily to do it “perfectly” while having ONLY loving thoughts for a complete 5 minute period EVERY time we sit to do it.  The goal is to be able to use the Mirror Exercise to SHIFT your energy during those times when it is lower, and to REVEL in your energy when it is on the upper end of the scale.  The one thing you do NOT want to do with this exercise; however, is to use it as a “reason” to denigrate or criticize yourself.

Another fun way to use “Mirror Time” is to gaze into our own eyes as we ask ourselves the question above (“What must I be believing in order to have attracted this situation?”); which can bring an added level of clarity and understanding to our responses to that question.

When we are in a “high-contrast” situation with another, one of the most powerful and effective exercises is called:  “The Releasing Resistance/Resentment Exercise”.  It takes determination to truly WANT to release all resistance in our lives, as we often are more apt to want to “hang onto” our sense of “rightness”; we often feel “justified” in being angry, hurt or resentful – but I am often reminded of what Abraham (Abraham-Hicks) asks us: “Would I rather be RIGHT?  Or HAPPY?”

While it can be a challenge to WANT to let it go, especially when what is happening seems “unfair” or that the other person is so “obviously wrong”, but it is most helpful to keep in mind that every resistance/resentment we carry will hold back the creation/allowing of the very things we are wanting to attract into OUR lives.  Resistances are cumulative, so the most advantageous thing we can do for OURSELVES in order to move towards our own desires, is to determine what our resistances and/or resentments ARE, and then do whatever we can to release those.

If our truest desire is to be happy (and I genuinely believe it is that for everyone) then the willingness to let go of ALL resistance should be our utmost priority, because it is only our resistances and resentments that prevents us from being happy – ever. 

Within interpersonal relationships this can be a challenge, but once we are truly ready to let our resistances go, no matter what they are or where they came from, then we are ready to work with "The Releasing Resistance/Resentment Exercise".

Knowing that all “negative” emotion comes from some perspective, attitude and belief that we are carrying that is out of alignment with what our Inner Being knows to be true, and that at the heart of it we are always in a state of Lacking Love, we can know that once we have shifted that perspective, attitude or belief, we will no longer be out of alignment, and the “feedback” we get then will feel “positive” – loving.

The first step towards developing love and trust can be easiest in reaching for a deeper understanding.  We often become fearful and resistant when there is something happening that we do not understand, and often we will “internalize” whatever is going on in a way that is not true.  This is – in a nutshell – what resistance is.  A fear based in a lack of understanding, so this exercise is one of the most amazing, easiest and fastest ways to release resistance and resentment, because it reaches to release any fear through understanding.  And yet, the effectiveness of doing it will be in direct proportion to your willingness to let the resentment/resistance go.  When we are ready to let go of any feelings of “victimization”, when we realize that the only person that is being “harmed” by any resistance or resentment we are feeling is US, then we are truly ready to let that go and move UP into the higher vibrations.

“The Releasing Resistance/Resentment Exercise” can be used in any situation and for any relationship, and I suggest that over time you work with this for ALL of the situations, events and persons that you feel any resentment towards, individually.  It is not necessary – or beneficial – to go “looking” for resistance or resentment, but when you do become aware of resistant energy within you (which always feels “negative”), then I suggest working with this exercise until you feel it release.  For deeply held resistances it may take more than one time doing the exercise, as we often release resistance in layers, or it may clear in one sitting.  It is a very individual thing, and can change for each situation, so as you can see, this is an exercise that you can work with for quite some time.  You will know where your energy is with each one by how you feel – and as I so often mention, it’s important to keep in mind that this is a process.  We are each working with layers and levels – it’s not a one-time “all or nothing” thing.  (Note:  If you are working through deeply held resistances and/or resentments, or things that are deeply hurtful, you may choose to work with a support person, such as a coach, therapist, understanding friend or other.  It is certainly not necessary or beneficial to “go it alone” if you are feeling unsure, stalled or frustrated, and reaching out for that support can be an amazing way of showing love and support for yourself.) 

When you are ready and have a bit of time to devote to the process, begin with a thought of a person that you feel resentment, hurt, judgment, anger, etc. towards, and first state your intention that you want -- more than anything -- to UNDERSTAND what that person is feeling, what they are going through, how they think and what they want.

If it is possible to actually talk with the person, to express to them that you genuinely WANT to understand what they are feeling and thinking, that is the optimum way to approach this.  Often; however, distances or other circumstances can prevent our approaching them directly, but we can still accomplish the same outcome whether we talk with them directly or not.  If you CAN talk with them directly, the only thing you need do is express how much you deeply desire to understand, and then just let them talk.  Do not interrupt them, do not share your opinions or perspectives, do not try to “make them feel better” if they are expressing “negative” emotions.  Just let them share however they are feeling.  If they feel your genuine desire to understand them, and then are allowed to just share, any “negative” emotions they are expressing will run their natural course and begin to shift of their own accord.

As they are sharing, or as you are imagining what they WOULD share if they could speak it to you, begin to think about times in YOUR life when you acted however they are acting – not necessarily the specific behaviors they are showing you, but an action that would be born of the same emotion that they must be feeling in order to act that way.  If the person is acting angry, all you need to do is remember times when YOU were angry and remember how YOU acted, whether or not you acted exactly as they are/did.  It is most beneficial if you think of times in your life when you felt that way in a situation that was NOT related to this person, something completely different, but with the same emotion.  Then allow yourself to “really go there” in your mind, FEEL what you imagine this person is feeling and allow yourself to truly FEEL the way you felt back at that time in your memory.

The energy shift happens inside of YOU, and the connection is made as you can see that you have felt and acted in similar ways.  Whether you are physically with the other person as they share, or if you are doing it solely as a mental exercise, it is important for YOU to allow yourself to feel as you felt during whatever memory you are using, and to STAY with those feelings as long as you can, reaching for deeper and deeper understanding of them and yourself.  Allow yourself to BE in that energy for a while, and then realize that no matter WHAT this person did, no matter how different it might be from how YOU acted, you have also done things that you regret, or that you wish you hadn’t done, maybe said things you didn’t mean, etc.  

As you stay with that, genuine Compassion will begin to naturally rise up in your energy -- for yourself AND for the other person.  Sometimes, it can be helpful to picture the person as a small, frightened child, and to see that they MUST be feeling powerless and alone in order to act the way they are, because otherwise, they would make a different choice.  Allow yourself to see that no matter WHAT is happening, YOU have “been there” too.  You have said and done things that you wished you hadn’t, and realize that it is never about being “wrong” or being “right” – it is about seeing the situation through THEIR eyes in this situation, and through YOUR eyes from that past time.  You acted as you did then, and they are acting as they are acting now because of FEAR!  It is always because of fear.  Allow the Compassion to grow within you, as far and as long as you can, just let it expand.

At some point, usually within minutes, depending on how deep the resentment goes, if you are truly allowing yourself to FEEL those things, you will start feeling all of that Understanding and Compassion transform into Love.  There is nothing else for it to transform into BUT Love because Love is all there is. Every single resentment/resistance we carry inside of us, and every “negative” emotion we feel is always based in Fear. Likewise, every action we take based on those “negative” feelings, is also based in Fear.  Once we deeply Understand, and sincerely feel the Compassion, while genuinely seeing that “that person is also ME”, at that point, we have released a layer of the Fear and Resentment, and the only thing left is for the Love to surface.

Then just be with the Love.  Feel the Love, enjoy the Love, extend and expand the Love as far as you can – both for the other person AND for yourself!

A thought that many sometimes have is that they do not want to be in those "negative" emotions for such a period of time -- but it is important to remember that if you are feeling any resentment or resistance, then those emotions are already IN THERE!  That is the very reason the resentment/resistance is there in the first place, so allowing yourself to feel it is not "creating" anything new, this is a process of transforming those feelings, and as such it will release resistance(s) that may have been there for a very long time. 

 This exercise can be repeated every time we feel any resentment in our “now” – and is also quite effective for releasing old resentments from things that happened in the past, if we find that we are still reacting negatively to them.  We may have to do it more than once, as we work through the layers that have built up over the years, but each layer that we release is one we will never have to revisit again.  If we allow ourselves to get to the Love, then Love is all that is left for that layer, for that situation, and with practice and repetition, we can – and WILL – find ourselves resonating in the energy of Love more and more, until our very lives are a living reflection of the one TRUTH, Love really IS all there is.

These exercises take some practice, but none are “hard” to do, and the benefits are astronomical in every area of our lives. 

To summarize:   

1) Being absolutely emotionally honest with ourselves and our partner in this relationship;

2) Asking ourselves:  “What must I be believing in order to have attracted this situation?” and using our answers to shift our beliefs, attitudes and perspectives

3) Using “Mirror Time” for greater Self-Love and Clarity

4) And, working with “The Releasing Resistance/Resentment Exercise” to step out of any resistance we are carrying

Just these four exercises will, together, bring a profound level of peace and joy to our lives.  With consistent use of them, we can transform any – and ALL – of our relationships into the joy-filled, fun, adventurous, loving and easy relationships we have always wanted them to be, but did not know how to create.

As is always the case with me, I eagerly welcome any feedback or questions that you may have.  I’m happy to clarify or even just dialog about any/all of it.  Feel free to contact me either through the Contact Tab here on the website, or write to me directly at lifebridgecenter@earthlink.net. 

Lovin’ Livin’ – Livin’ Love,

Kitty